Good report (and how to relax in seconds)

Just a quick post to report that today was a great day and I have been sticking to my new resolution.

I walked for 20 minutes yesterday with Leslie Sansone (Leslie Sansone: Walk Away The Pounds: Power Mile, my favorite exercise video because it is so quick and it always lifts my spirits. Today I kicked it up a notch and worked out with the cast from The Biggest Loser (The Biggest Loser Workout: Cardio Max), so I spent 40 minutes sweating and grunting and I might be a little sore tomorrow (pathetic! but I have not exercised consistently in so long).

As far as the meditation is concerned, today's was extra special because L1 wanted to join me. We used one of my favorite recordings (and apparently hers too, because she requested it) and the first one that I was ever able to use successfully to fully relax and eventually meditate. It is part of the Silva Life System, but you can get it with their free introductory (6 lesson) course. I HIGHLY recommend it to anyone that would like to learn to relax physically in a few seconds, that's right, SECONDS.

I am not exaggerating, after doing it consistently for a few weeks you will become so conditioned that you will be able to relax in seconds, I used to carry all my stress in my neck and shoulders, now I can make them loosen up with just a few deep breaths (I don't have to be listening to the recording anymore). If you are also interested in meditation, this is a good way to get you started, but you may eventually want to do it on your own or listen to something else, the particular recording I am recommending is a great starter but has too much talking for someone with more experience. Click this link to get you to the free course (and you will eventually be linked to the entire program, which I also have and recommend... este es el enlace si le interesa en español).

The meditation turned into a snoring fest for her (so cute!) but I loved it and I felt very close to her, what a change from two nights ago!

Have a wonderful night and a great Mother's Day tomorrow!

Back with a new 40 day discipline (controlling brain chemistry and enjoying consistent happiness!)

A lot has happened since Easter, both in my life and around the world.

I have been tempted to write a post several times, sometimes because I thought I had something valuable to share, sometimes just to get a "fix" (I don't fancy myself a "creative writer" but writing these posts definitely feels like a creative activity and it helps enormously in lifting my spirits).

I don't think I'll go back to share the thoughts I had, although they may become pertinent again in the future, right now I need to focus on the next 40 days (not 46 like Easter, I'm making this one a true "cuaresma" or "cuarentena"!!). But first I need to explain where this idea came from with a shameful and somewhat scary confession.

I have to backtrack a bit, stay with me... I have struggled with chemical imbalances since I can remember, from feeling opposite emotions at the same time coupled with strange black and white images, to having an incessant soundtrack playing behind every thought for years, to getting an uplifting boost from holding on to an electric fence (on purpose) that would make anyone else cry, to a low-grade but long lasting depression that dipped dangerously low in my teens and mid twenties. Thankfully these are not things I experience anymore (not for a long time, thank God!), but I am keenly aware of what it took to get it under control.

Over many years of self destructive behavior due mostly to plain ol' ignorance I learned, sometimes through research, sometimes trial and error, that:

1. My brain doesn't seem to want to work like everyone else's, but it CAN be taught new tricks.
2. My hormones and emotions are controlled almost entirely by what I eat and drink.
3. Sleep and exercise are essential to a healthy mind.
4. If you don't control your thoughts they will control you (and NOT in a good way, the Ego is a nasty, sneaky tyrant).
5. (and most importantly) I had to learn to love myself, "defective" brain and all, in order to stick to the healthy habits that made a peaceful brain and stable emotions possible.

That being said, sometimes we, nope, I can't assume you or anyone else does this, *I* don't stick to all the disciplines quite as well as I should and I find myself not living as healthy a life as I would like, physically, mentally or emotionally.

You might remember this post in which I spoke about my "default setting" being apathy and how I wanted my new mode to be HAPPY. Well last night was a very scary example of what that apathy extreme can look like.

I had told L1 to put something on her to-do list for today. I didn't say "I want you to do this", I specifically said "put this on your list" because we have been having A LOT of problems with her just blowing things off, usually because she's thinking about something else and doesn't switch gears or because she just forgets (I KNOW she's 14! I know I know, it doesn't help that it is age appropriate!). Later I asked where her list was because I was going to add something else and she said she had not started it and planned to write it in the morning. That's when I said "By what miracle do you expect to remember in the morning what I told you tonight?" in the most condescending tone I could muster...

I know.

This is the girl that gives me hugs "from Jesus" (remember that story?). This is, by anybody's standards, a GREAT teenager, straight A student, respectful, sweet, generous, hard working, funny, and well-behaved. I should go to Hell for that.

She ended up crying in her daddy's arms, he tried to talk about it, all I had to say was "she can try to turn this into "mommy's crabby and taking it out on me", but she just has to take responsibility for her actions". And, yes, maybe in principle that was right, but the scary thing was that I felt NOTHING.

I was not angry, frustrated, jealous, annoyed or sad. I felt N O T H I N G!
I remember thinking "why don't I feel anything?, this is strange" but, since I felt nothing, I didn't really feel concerned about that either. I just went to bed.

This morning I woke up and all of a sudden all of my thoughts and emotions rushed to that image of my gorgeous princess crying over what I, the evil witch mother, had done to her. I immediately wondered if she had slept well, I prayed that she had slept well, I prayed for God to protect her from me, for God to heal whatever scars I may have caused. I tried to talk to Loren about it and was so overcome by tears and the tightness in my throat that I couldn't finish the thought. It was as if all the emotions I should have felt last night and all through the night had finally caught up to me and were crashing into me one after the other.

See what I mean by "defective"? This is not normal.

Not that I am trying to excuse my behavior with "my brain is broken". I completely take responsibility for all my mistakes, shortcomings and displays of unabashed bitchiness. But I have to do something! this is not OK.

By the way, I cannot blame my diet (or my liver!) for this one. I had eaten mostly raw (a little chicken on the salad, a little popcorn for snack, a little hard boiled egg on the second salad). I have been doing pretty well since the Easter brunch fiasco, keeping my weight steady and even losing a little more off my hips!

But anyway... (I am finally getting to the point, you are so patient!) I know I don't want to go to a medical doctor with this, and before I start going to other people for help of any kind I KNOW there are things I should try first.

So, starting today, I will be exercising for at least 20 minutes every day and meditating for at least 15 minutes every day...

and trying very, VERY hard to be super nice, especially to L1.

Day 20, I didn't inhale (not even when the devil was rising)

Ok, ok, I had coffee today, but I didn't inhale! By that I mean I got a small cup of plain ol' store coffee (not yummy home made Costa Rican) with some fake creamer. I didn't enjoy it I swear! But I had it because I was really yawny and I couldn't go work in a court room like that.

Loren is right, our lifestyle really requires caffeine because we hardly ever get enough sleep. While I will try to stay off caffeine after Easter I will also try to be more of a grown up about going to bed at a decent hour.

Alright, on to today's menu, I had my smoothie in the morning. My smoothie is like my rock. The rest of the day could go to h*#$ in a hand basket but my smoothie gets me started on the right foot and I know I can count on it to get me through at least 1PM.

For a late lunch I had two, count them!, TWO side salads from Wendy's (I was in between appointments and had forgotten to pack a lunch, but they are nice!, no meat, fresh ingredients, with Marzetti dressing and croutons, which I gave to L1), and I was good about reminding myself to drink water (I don't get thirsty during the day anymore, but then I get really thirsty at night). For late afternoon snack I had a few pieces of dried apples. For dinner I had a generous serving of my Asian Slaw and a glass of orange juice with cranberry juice (about a 7/1 ratio). For dessert I had a few pieces of dried apricots. I must confess that I added a bit of raw Ramen noodles to my slaw, because the original recipe calls for it. I knew it wasn't good but I tried to fool myself with "well, it's raw!". BIG mistake! I had less than 1/4 of the package and I am pretty bloated, ugh. As we used to say in Montana "that oughtta learn me!".

And did I mention I EXERCISED today!!!? I did a short walking DVD (30 minutes) but it uses weights so I get a decent little work out and it helps my back and arms a lot when I do it regularly.

It's been a good day. L2 did not have a fever when she woke up today :) and it has only gone up about a degree. She's had weird stomach pains on and off, so we won't send her to school yet, and we are going to do a few more blood tests, but things seem to be looking up.

Well, this is turning out to be quite the mundane and boring post isn't it?

I've been saving a story just for this occasion! I had a very trippy dream the other morning (right before the start of Day 16, which was crazy enough in itself).

I had been up several times to check on L2 and sit with her to guide her through breathing slowly and deeply, which helped her with the pain and allowed her to sleep for a bit. At one point she fell asleep so I returned to my bed only to wake HER up with my trippy-dream-induced groaning.

First I have to explain that when I have nightmares I try to end them by invoking the name of Jesus (Pilippians 2:10) but if I am not sleeping very soundly then my body tries to actually speak the words and, for some frustrating reason, I can't just say it in my dream. But I am not really a sleep talker, in fact, my mouth refuses to move past falling slightly open, and I end up moaning like a depressed, drunk Wookiee.

Needless to say, L2 was very scared but had the guts to come into my room and say "Mom are you OK?" which, thankfully, woke me up. My husband, in the mean time, instead of waking me up as he's been instructed, would shush me in his sleep with a rapid succession of short and really loud "sh's" (he was still doing it when I woke up).

So here is the dream that prompted all that, if you have ANY CLUE whatsoever as to what it means, please tell me!!:

We were looking at a condo with a female Realtor, she always walked ahead of us. The condo looked like an old house, nothing but fancy dark wood trim everywhere; it was small and the hallways were narrow. As we progressed the place got darker and darker, the Realtor and Loren didn't seem to even notice. I kept thinking, "this is a house, why do they call this a condo? I should look at the outside to see if it IS a condo, because this looks like a house". We went down a hallway and took a sharp turn to the right into a stairwell, on the landing were three tall rectangular windows that made the wall round, and Loren and I said "oh, well, there you go, that's why it is a condo!" (right, see why I need help analyzing this?)

As we started climbing the stairs, first the Realtor, then Loren, then me, it was so dark we couldn't see, so I reached back to the end of the banister to feel around for the light switch. I felt a weird switch and moved it, immediately, at the top of the stairs a fire was lit in what I knew was a large but shallow rectangular "pool" in the middle of the round room. The switch started the fire like you start a fire in an electric fireplace, I knew it was contained and was not worried about it burning anything else. What worried me about it is that the devil (yes, THE devil) was rising up out of the fire, I could see his huge hand with long nails, his skin was periwinkle (I know!!).

I quickly turned the switch again to turn it off, but, for some reason I don't remember (maybe because Loren and the Realtor had continued up the stairs in the dark?) I turned it back on and again the devil started rising. By now I knew there was a satanic ritual going on in the top floor and I was probably already starting my drugged-out Wookiee impersonation. Without climbing the steps I found myself in the room; Loren and the Realtor were looking around at the architecture, as if they couldn't see the devil rising from the fiery pool and the couples that were lying down around him having a Martha Graham-esque orgy while wearing white and yellow unitards (one person in each couple would be wearing white, the other yellow, I knew it was supposed to be an orgy because one woman had an arm and a boob out of hers). They were writhing on each other in very lascivious ways and --right when L2 woke me up-- I was trying to say:

"This looks like a bad 70's movie!"

So there's my dream! I tried to make sense of it but couldn't. I even tried to look at it with the idea that you are everyone your dreams; I just got more confused. Some of the things make a little bit of sense (we are talking about buying a condo instead of renting, I like wood, I like Martha Graham, I don't like the devil or those fake electric fireplaces) and I had just had a Tarot reading the night before from my friend the Undercover Goddess in which she told me to start paying more attention to my dreams, but wow, I am still laughing and wondering.

So, analyze away! and stay away from processed food!