Showing God that I'm paying attention

Alanis as God in Dogma

I have been thinking a lot about our experience with L2’s illness (remember the many posts about her fevers? if you didn't read them, this one will catch you up), trying to process the emotions and figure out what the lessons are. I realize that we were… you could call it blessed, lucky, or simply graced by the success of the strategies we put in place to strengthen her body against the mysterious fevers. I know God was trying to teach us something important and I want to show Her that a forceful nudge is all I need to pay attention; I’m not going to wallow in blissful oblivion forcing Her to use an iron skillet to the head.

As I look back at the events and emotional roller coaster of the last few months (complete with Lenten raw cleanse), now that I have the advantage of a few months of distance and perspective, I see that, while I learned –and am still learning— a lot of valuable, practical lessons about dealing with medical billing offices, medical office staff, doctors, nurses, and the Epic Fallibility of Western medicine, mostly the lessons were about myself.

I learned that as I learn to be a Grown Up, finally comfortable with the title and the complete responsibility it demands, and become more independent, strong, articulate and courageous in voicing my opinions, needs, concerns, and, especially, disagreements, I still can be reduced to a frightened heap of questions by the mere mention of the word leukemia. Leukemia became an overwhelmingly real foe when it claimed the life of my friend, colleague and hero, Raquel Ramirez (Google and YouTube her, she’s worth the time), and it is not a presence I want anywhere near my reality again, let alone my children.

I had been handling L2’s recurring high fevers and “tummy aches” with as much grace, courage, patience, and humor as I could muster. Loren and I had learned, 14 years ago when he had CMV (cytomegalovirus), that Western medicine can work very well if you are lucky enough to come down with something predictable, but if your case is rare and you let your doctors have all the control, you will simply be putting your fate in the hands of a bunch of well-meaning, over-prepared yet under-qualified, puzzled people, who will poke and prod you out of concern, helplessness, curiosity, and perhaps even a bit of embarrassment. We have also watched the ups and downs in Loren’s parents’ health and the devastating results of many of the well intentioned treatments to which they were subjected for years. Going into this I knew that we should not “give up our power” to the doctors; I was willing to educate myself, be proactive, and use their expert opinions as another source of information with which to make decisions.

But when I was hit on the face with the snow balls of “leukemia” and “lymphoma”, I was all too willing to give up the responsibility for my daughter’s health and well being because the alternative was too foreign, too unknown. I was also afraid of what the public opinion would be if we did not rush to the ER to start an expensive battery of tests. Would people see us as irresponsible? Would they be right?

While I stayed mostly, calm, cool and collected on the outside, and I tried to appear (mostly to myself) like I was weighing out the options and not rushing into anything, the truth is that I don’t think I would have had the courage or the presence of mind to take another route. If I had been the one facing a serious, life-threatening illness I would have been adamant about exploring all the “alternative” treatments before relinquishing my health to Western medicine, but this was my child, my baby, and her fever was rising, and no amount of Disney movies was distracting her from her pain, and nothing was bringing the color back to her cheeks.

As we learn to go into battle on our own, as adults, away from parental figures and domineering or sheltering partners, we build up an arsenal of coping skills, emotional strength, philosophies, faith, information, spiritual practices and physical disciplines with which to protect ourselves from life’s attacks. But when the enemy took my child hostage, I surrendered my weapons one by one until I found myself 50 feet from my bunker, naked, waving a white flag.

What I have learned is that I still have a long way to go before I can be fully responsible for my children’s well being, and before I can draw in ink the line between taking full responsibility and asking for help. I also learned that, if there is a next time, I will be much more ready to be held accountable –and to hold others accountable for their end of the deal— if I have been doing everything in my power to prevent a next time, either in their bodies or my own.

The last thing I am learning is that I am supposed to be aware, awake, paying attention (!) because there is a bigger picture here that I have not fully grasped and that is changing me, and possibly my path, forever.

Day 40, FOOOOOORTY! (only 6 more days, and lots of talk about self care)

So, L2 is sitting here reminding me of movie theater fake cheese and tortilla chips.

Wow, now it is not the tortilla chips I am fantasizing about, it's the plastic cheese.

OK, so this is when I say "Thank you God for all the blessings you surround me with, including the challenges, for freeing me from my food addictions, for showing me a way to be closer to you, and for helping me be happier in my body".

Wow, it never ceases to amaze me how that always helps.

This morning I had a scoop of protein powder in water and a grapefruit (did you know grapefruit is supposed to dissolve fat cells, not just reduce them but DISSOLVE them??), then I ate a few veggies from the veggie tray at church, then a Baja salad from Wendy's (I know it's getting OLD, but we had a lot to do in a short time), and since I got home I have been in front of the computer "doing the taxes" and snacking on nuts and drinking white wine. (Hmm. Maybe THAT'S why I'm not getting the taxes done!).


I CAN NOT believe we've been on this journey already 40 days! We are both ready to "eat normal", Loren more so than I am. He wants to eat everything, I just want some eggs and sauteed veggies.

I have decided to give myself the day off on Easter and then I will continue the raw diet, adding only a little bit of cooked things each day, being especially weary of refined sugars and starches, and only drinking coffee on special occasions.

I have been feeling GREAT in the last few days --focused, energized, positive and happy, and so many of my old pants are either fitting or aaaaalmost fitting!! (lots are not uncomfortable anymore but still not presentable enough to wear in public). I feel ready to take on the world, and I just want to keep riding this wave! So the idea of filling my body (and mind) with starches and sugars and caffeine again just repulses me. So, while I will allow myself a few treats on Easter, I am eager to continue on this journey.


However, don't get me wrong! I was not a Crap Eater before Ash Wednesday!
We started our journey towards Health Through Food (that might be the title for the e-book I'm thinking of writing, see this post for more info) over a decade ago. We avoid partially hydrogenated oils (as well as fully hydrogenated oils, for that matter!), MSG, artificial colors, flavors and sweeteners, corn syrup, and anything that we don't recognize. AND! (most importantly), we raise our own eggs and meat! how many people can say that!! We are so blessed to have our own land where we can raise our own ASH (antibiotic, steroid, hormones) free animals so we know 95% of our animal products are healthy and come from animals that have been treated well. Sure, we are not Nazi's about it, the kids can have crap candy at Halloween, but we figure, if we are eating healthy most of the time it balances out very well.

I guess the point I am trying to make is this: There is always room for more self care.
And, I can say this comfortably now that I am 40, self care is the basis for all care.

If you are not taking care of your body, your mind, and especially, your spirituality (whichever form that takes) you will not be taking good care of others or of other areas in your life (career, goals, etc). In fact, I am now willing to argue that you could neglect your mind, but taking care of your body and your spirit (it is taken me this long to realize that they actually do go together) is essential for a fully present and responsible life.

And by "responsible life" I mean a life in which you accept responsibility for EVERYTHING that happens. I don't know about you, but I find a lot of comfort in a life that --while being very challenging-- does not allow for me to blame anyone or anything else for what is "wrong" in my life.

OK, now I just sound preachy, and that was never my intent. I just hope this helps!


Good night everyone! blessings to you tonight and always!