Sunday, May 22, 2011

I miss Lent

I really do, I miss Lent.

I miss the slight hunger, the constant self-awareness, the incessant examination of everything I ate, did and thought.

When I mentioned this to my family, L1 reminded me that towards the end I started to say "I can't wait for this to be over, this diet is messing with my brain" and she might be right. (Part of me feels I should go back and read my posts, the rest of me is telling that part to shut up because I'm enjoying the romanticism of this longing) But I miss... the self-denial maybe? I'm not even sure, but I want that feeling back.

Maybe it is on my mind more today because we went to church this morning and I walked out dissatisfied, again, with the lack of spiritual challenge (which, of course, is MY responsibility, not my preacher's) and -while I don't "need" the complication of searching for a more challenging doctrine right now- I really miss what the Lenten challenge did for me.

I guess part of it is that feeling hunger (physical or otherwise), discomfort, frustration, whatever! is better than feeling nothing at all, and the self indulgence I am allowing myself now leaves me feeling empty, complacent, less-than.

Ironic, in a way, but really rather obvious that the seemingly eternal 46 days of sacrifice were so satisfying, and now the supposed pleasures of "rewarding" myself with a caramel Frappuccino leave me feeling empty and cheap, like the morning after a night of casual sex.

I miss Lent. SO I have loaded up the pantry with dried fruits and nuts, Portobello mushrooms, guacamole, vegetables and fresh fruits. I am not going completely raw again, but I will be rewarding myself with self denial.

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