Back with a new 40 day discipline (controlling brain chemistry and enjoying consistent happiness!)

A lot has happened since Easter, both in my life and around the world.

I have been tempted to write a post several times, sometimes because I thought I had something valuable to share, sometimes just to get a "fix" (I don't fancy myself a "creative writer" but writing these posts definitely feels like a creative activity and it helps enormously in lifting my spirits).

I don't think I'll go back to share the thoughts I had, although they may become pertinent again in the future, right now I need to focus on the next 40 days (not 46 like Easter, I'm making this one a true "cuaresma" or "cuarentena"!!). But first I need to explain where this idea came from with a shameful and somewhat scary confession.

I have to backtrack a bit, stay with me... I have struggled with chemical imbalances since I can remember, from feeling opposite emotions at the same time coupled with strange black and white images, to having an incessant soundtrack playing behind every thought for years, to getting an uplifting boost from holding on to an electric fence (on purpose) that would make anyone else cry, to a low-grade but long lasting depression that dipped dangerously low in my teens and mid twenties. Thankfully these are not things I experience anymore (not for a long time, thank God!), but I am keenly aware of what it took to get it under control.

Over many years of self destructive behavior due mostly to plain ol' ignorance I learned, sometimes through research, sometimes trial and error, that:

1. My brain doesn't seem to want to work like everyone else's, but it CAN be taught new tricks.
2. My hormones and emotions are controlled almost entirely by what I eat and drink.
3. Sleep and exercise are essential to a healthy mind.
4. If you don't control your thoughts they will control you (and NOT in a good way, the Ego is a nasty, sneaky tyrant).
5. (and most importantly) I had to learn to love myself, "defective" brain and all, in order to stick to the healthy habits that made a peaceful brain and stable emotions possible.

That being said, sometimes we, nope, I can't assume you or anyone else does this, *I* don't stick to all the disciplines quite as well as I should and I find myself not living as healthy a life as I would like, physically, mentally or emotionally.

You might remember this post in which I spoke about my "default setting" being apathy and how I wanted my new mode to be HAPPY. Well last night was a very scary example of what that apathy extreme can look like.

I had told L1 to put something on her to-do list for today. I didn't say "I want you to do this", I specifically said "put this on your list" because we have been having A LOT of problems with her just blowing things off, usually because she's thinking about something else and doesn't switch gears or because she just forgets (I KNOW she's 14! I know I know, it doesn't help that it is age appropriate!). Later I asked where her list was because I was going to add something else and she said she had not started it and planned to write it in the morning. That's when I said "By what miracle do you expect to remember in the morning what I told you tonight?" in the most condescending tone I could muster...

I know.

This is the girl that gives me hugs "from Jesus" (remember that story?). This is, by anybody's standards, a GREAT teenager, straight A student, respectful, sweet, generous, hard working, funny, and well-behaved. I should go to Hell for that.

She ended up crying in her daddy's arms, he tried to talk about it, all I had to say was "she can try to turn this into "mommy's crabby and taking it out on me", but she just has to take responsibility for her actions". And, yes, maybe in principle that was right, but the scary thing was that I felt NOTHING.

I was not angry, frustrated, jealous, annoyed or sad. I felt N O T H I N G!
I remember thinking "why don't I feel anything?, this is strange" but, since I felt nothing, I didn't really feel concerned about that either. I just went to bed.

This morning I woke up and all of a sudden all of my thoughts and emotions rushed to that image of my gorgeous princess crying over what I, the evil witch mother, had done to her. I immediately wondered if she had slept well, I prayed that she had slept well, I prayed for God to protect her from me, for God to heal whatever scars I may have caused. I tried to talk to Loren about it and was so overcome by tears and the tightness in my throat that I couldn't finish the thought. It was as if all the emotions I should have felt last night and all through the night had finally caught up to me and were crashing into me one after the other.

See what I mean by "defective"? This is not normal.

Not that I am trying to excuse my behavior with "my brain is broken". I completely take responsibility for all my mistakes, shortcomings and displays of unabashed bitchiness. But I have to do something! this is not OK.

By the way, I cannot blame my diet (or my liver!) for this one. I had eaten mostly raw (a little chicken on the salad, a little popcorn for snack, a little hard boiled egg on the second salad). I have been doing pretty well since the Easter brunch fiasco, keeping my weight steady and even losing a little more off my hips!

But anyway... (I am finally getting to the point, you are so patient!) I know I don't want to go to a medical doctor with this, and before I start going to other people for help of any kind I KNOW there are things I should try first.

So, starting today, I will be exercising for at least 20 minutes every day and meditating for at least 15 minutes every day...

and trying very, VERY hard to be super nice, especially to L1.

Day 45, (Only ONE More Day!) Good Friday Musings

Today has been a glorious day of spring rains, routine errands and family time. Today has not been what I would normally label a successful, productive, or particularly meaningful day, but today this feels perfect.

My mind works in very random, jumpy ways and I have spent most of my life denouncing it as defective. Because of this I have always craved routine, order and discipline, while, at the same time, avoiding, fearing and finding them unattainable. So, normally I would look for validation for my day by naming the things checked off my "to do" list, or by showing a gorgeous family picture and saying "LOOK, I have successfully spent quality time with my nearly-perfect children and husband" or by having a more-spiritual-than-thou day and embracing the chore-boycotting rain with a long meditation and a prayer of gratitude for the water cycle.

But today has been a mix of a little productivity, a little leisure time, a lot of family time, a little watching it rain, some quiet prayer time, and now some blogging time...

and I am so happy! There is no temptation to condemn the "wasting" of time, or to over-analyze the quiet time, or over-glorify the family time. There is just acceptance and joy (**gasps and holds hand over mouth** could this mean I am finally an Adult?).


Today I sat and prayed for an hour (at church we signed up to keep a prayer vigil for 24 hours) and during that time I was able to reflect on the experiences and growth the last 45 days have brought me. I spent time reflecting on why Jesus matters, and how I can relate this fast and what I've learned during these days to living a life that is more Christ-like every day. Well, I must correct myself... "why Jesus matters" is too big a topic for me to tackle in one blog post, but I can at least explain why He matters to me.

I think of Jesus as the greatest metaphysical teacher and spiritual leader of all time, and his teachings are the most practical tools for living a life that is respectful, loving, happy, fulfilled, and meaningful. Jesus teaches us how to free ourselves from our fears and our vices, He models a life of acceptance and meaning, and challenges us to be more, to do more, to matter more.

I used to think that when you gave up something for Lent, or you had to suffer through some unavoidable problem in your life, you would do it and "offer it to God" (as my mother used to say) so that someone somewhere would get some benefit from your suffering. To this day I am not sure that that is what my mother meant, but that's how I always interpreted it:

--My body would willingly hurt somebody for a tortilla chip right now.
--I don't eat the tortilla chip, nor hurt anyone, and I say a prayer offering this bothersome/uncomfortable/painful/annoying/scary/horrible situation to God "for" the hungry kids in Africa/the tsunami victims in Japan/the people with tortilla chip allergies.
--I try to find consolation for my unfulfilled craving in the vague notion that someone somewhere is bothered/uncomfortable/pained/annoyed/scared/horrified less because I just took on some of their plight.

... OK.

Yeah, OK, I still see how that makes sense, and it really is beautifully poetic and generous.

BUT, as I've gotten older I've realized (this year more clearly than ever) that if that is all we get out of our sacrifice, we are almost wasting our time. There is so much more that we can learn from facing our difficulties (be them self imposed or not) if we tackle them with the intention of growing, learning, improving, becoming a better tool for God! (if you don't believe in God, fine, it doesn't matter, replace that with "becoming a better member of society").

The last 45 days have been transformational not because I have said a quiet prayer for people with addictions every time I craved a latte, but because I was freed from my own addictions; not because I thanked God for having food when I was hungry, but because I was shown that I have the strength to handle hunger; not because I have prayed for obese people every time I stepped on the scales and there was no significant change, but because I have realized that the extra weight was self-destructive and I --a child of God made in Her image-- deserve to treat myself better than that. The last 45 days have made me a much better version of myself, and THAT'S what God wants from sacrifice. The better we are the better equipped we are to serve our fellow man!

(Yes, I do realize many of you are probably saying "WOW. She's 40 years old and she only figured that out NOW?" but as much as I am tempted to turn this post into something more self-flattering, I won't. I have always been a late bloomer and I am finally OK with that.)

So now that I am a better version of myself, the question remains... what drastic challenge am I going to give myself next to continue growing towards transcending "myself" and becoming a better person -period?

Day 26, Why am I not ecstatic all the time?

Today was a pretty busy day, as Sundays are anymore, so I didn't get to post anything earlier.
I am also determined to get to sleep before 11:30pm (I was doing some research yesterday on the thyroid, because my weight loss seems to have plateaued and the first thing I read was "exercise and adequate sleep are essential for proper thyroid function", ugh! I turned off the the light at 11:15ish last night, and my goal is to do so before 11:30 for the rest of Lent (at least), unless I have a hot date with my husband of course!) so I have to make this quick.

Food wise today was a challenge, but I tried to keep a good attitude. Had my smoothie (thank God for my smoothie!) on the way to church, afterward we spent a while at Fellowship Hall visiting with people as they ate brownies with runny frosting (I meant that in the BEST possible way, these things looked incredible), tortilla chips with nacho cheese (!!!!!) and carrots/celery with ranch dressing. I had a few carrots with ranch.

Then we were invited to lunch at a friends house, we brought Asian Slaw (but I messed up and grabbed the curry instead of the ginger, so it was actually Sub-Continental Slaw*) and some Costa Rican style mashed black beans (so L2 could have some protein, she went vegetarian for Lent), she had prepared a great salad and an amazing smelling lasagna, oh, and chocolate cake. At one point our very gracious hostess brought out home-made garlic bread and put a slice on everyone's plate, including Loren's and mine. I immediately said, regretfully, "I can't eat it!" and she said "not even the bread?", her daughter said "it's cooked", and Loren said "BE NICE". So I spent the rest of the meal eating my salad with the piece of garlic bread (actual chunks of buttered, slivered garlic looking at me with bedroom eyes) sitting on my plate.

It was very nice to visit with friends.

Then we went to visit an elderly friend who has dementia and is in a nursing home. She was always a very busy woman who held important positions with lots of responsibilities, and she always worried about something. So now that she has no responsibilities and literally nothing to worry about, her brain seems to be stuck on her default setting, "Extreme Worry", and it creates elaborate and complicated scenarios, sometimes complete with menacing hallucinations, that range from worrisome to terrifying. She kept insisting on asking us for help with the (non-existing) situation that was worrying her, and no amount of reassurance would convince her that she was not going to have to drive to work alone in the dark. L1 and L2 were visibly uncomfortable and we were all at a loss as to what to do (L2 had the best idea and she drew her a Happy Easter card).

During this visit I had a life-altering epiphany (at least I intend to make it life-altering). I realized that I am no longer a worrier, thank God, but I am not yet an "enjoyer". This past week I have found myself cruising by on emotional neutral, not angry, frustrated or sad, but definitely not happy. And it HIT me....
Is my default setting apathetic??

My life is AMAZING, I have been saying for years that I am the most blessed person I know so why don't I run out of bed every morning screaming "THE SUN CAME UP TODAAAAAAYYYY!  WOOOO HOOOO! WE STILL HAVE A GORGEOUS HOUSE ON A FARM! WE ALL WOKE UUUUUUUP! LOOK AT THE BABY PIGS, THE HORSE, THE GOAT, THE DOOOOOGS! I LOVE OUR ANIMALS YAAAAAAY! MY PRIUS IS IN THE DRIVEWAY! I GET TO GO TO WORK AND HELP PEOPLE!! I HAVE HEALTHY FOOD TO EAT! I CAN JUST TURN ON THE FAUCET AND CLEAN WATER COMES OUT!!WE HAVE    H O T    WATER THAT GETS PIPED DIRECTLY INTO OUR BATHROOMS! O MY LOOOOORD, THIS IS AMAAAAZING!

In all seriousness, why am I not ecstatic all the time?

Now, I realize that it would be pretty unrealistic for me to expect that I can flip a switch and turn into a manic ball of appreciation 24-7, but I want my new default setting to be.... Happy and not just as in content happy, but as in bursting into spontaneous laughter happy. So if ever my brain were to deteriorate like hers has (cancel cancel!!) I will be a HAPPY old confused lady in a nursing home, or if I am in an accident that ends my life at a young age (CANCEL CANCEL), I will have enjoyed each day I had to the fullest (at least each day from today on!!).

Thank you for reading, I hope you will get something out of this too. Oh, and I ate more Sub-Continental Slaw* for dinner followed by dried apricots and apples.

*this was Loren's joke, he is upset I stole it.

PS. Tonight the moon is new, a perfect time to set intentions and get started on new projects and goals!!